


Driven to Crime

by SlashHat



Series: Top Gear fic [1]
Category: Batman (1966), Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Adam West Batman - Freeform, Blink And You Miss It Slash, Crack Crossover, Cruelty to rubber alligators, Gen, Jeremy muses on the nature of reality, M/M, The Stig Did It, Visible sound effects, archiving old fic, technicolor, they fight crime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-19
Updated: 2008-03-19
Packaged: 2020-05-31 09:05:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19422847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlashHat/pseuds/SlashHat
Summary: Can the Batman solve the Dangler's code in time to save three unlucky visitors to Gotham City?





	Driven to Crime

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the TopGearSlash Livejournal Comm in March 2008.

Jeremy stared in disbelief as the blue-faced man laughed maniacally. "That's your plan? Suspend us over an alligator pit on fraying ropes so that we'll die unless Batman works out your puzzle in time? That's _rubbish_. Look, what you want to do is get some combustion involved-"

"Oh, for pity's sake, don't help him, Jeremy!" yelled Richard.

"Yes, one of your plans is about the only thing that could make life worse for us," added James.

"Oh, really?" sneered their strangely-dressed captor. "Say on, Mr Clarkson."

Half an hour later, the Batmobile drew up with a screech outside the warehouse hideout, and the Caped Crusader and his trusty companion dashed inside. A scene of devastation met their eyes- a haze of smoke filled the place, and crushed machinery, collapsed beams, and alligator parts were everywhere.

"Alas, Robin, I fear we are too late," Batman had begun, when out of the smoke emerged three figures, coughing and clinging together. They limped past the Dynamic Duo and towards the daylight.

"All right, it worked this time, but I don't think 'Convince your opponent to blow himself up' is a foolproof strategy, actually," said the man with the most hair. "Is anyone hurt? Hey, is that Batman?"

"Ah! I bet that explains why the alligators turned to rubber when you got close to them," said the smallest of the trio.

"And why the word "OOF!" appeared in midair when I thumped the turqoise tit," added the tallest (and most burnt-looking) man.

"Turqoise? More of a duck's-egg, I'd have said."

"Nah, definitely baby blue."

"Well, he was turqoise when I hit him!"

"Maybe that's just what happens when a blue man turns green?"

Batman was forced to interrupt. "Gentlemen, I need to know what happened here. Where is the Dangler?" The tall man gestured vaguely.

"Oh, he's sort of around somewhere."

"Holy hand grenade, Batman, I see him!" piped up the Boy Wonder, pointing up into the roof. As they began to work out how to get him down, the three mysterious men wandered out into Gotham City's sun-filled afternoon.

"That was an interesting little diversion. What shall we do now?" asked Jeremy a few moments later as they turned in to a small, secluded park, pretty with Technicolor flowers. None of them had done anything wimpy like say they wanted a rest, but somehow they found a bench quite quickly.

"Oh, yeah, diversion- you were as scared of those bloody crocodiles as any of us. I think we should try and find the Stig, ask him how we got to Gotham City instead of New York," said Richard.

"We're not exactly inconspicuous here, you know," objected James. "Did you see the way Batman looked at my hair? And wandering around looking all 21st century is exactly how we got spotted by that nutjob in the first place. I think we should just go back to the car."

"Oh, come on, how many criminal lunatics who want to use unwary strangers to entrap Batman can there possibly be here? I want to have a look round."

"I bet there'll be another one along in a minute. I mean, if we've taken care of the villain of the week, they'll have to write in a new one, won't they? And," James added, with a sideways glance, "I bet Jeremy'll draw him like a moth, when they do that, um, pheromone thing, following each other for miles? They recognise another of their kind."

"Sod off, May. Anyway, who was it who wanted to look at the fascinating architectural details of that warehouse in the first place?"

"Hang on. Write in a new villain? I mean, we're here, it can't be a TV show," objected Richard. "There weren't any cameras when Batman turned up, either."

"Didn't think of that. Remember the alligators, though; I don't think the rules work the same here. I still reckon we should wait at the car."

Jeremy had had a pensive look on his face for a few moments. "Guys, do you think if we took a car from here back, it'd turn into dust or something? I mean, you could sell a mint condition 1960s Chrysler just like that."

Richard raised his eyebrows. "Oh, right, and how are we going to get hold of a car? 'Yes, hello Mr Dealer, do you take English money from the future? No? This little plastic card, perhaps?' Or were you proposing to steal one in a city with a superhero zooming all over the place?"

"Strictly speaking I don't think Batman is a superhero- I mean, he uses gadgets for everything. I wish I'd thought to ask him how the Batarang works, you know. The aerodynamics are all wrong."

"Pfft. It's just magic, like the sound effects. Would it be stealing if the person who owns the car is fictional?" asked Jeremy thoughtfully.

"Look, you can't have it both ways. Either the car's fictional and it'll evaporate or whatever, or it's real and so is the owner."

"Or it's fictional as long as it's here but it'd turn real if we took it back."

"May! Whose side are you on? Do you really want to be roped into a Clarkson car-theft scheme, for God's sake?"

"No, carry on, James, that raises quite an interesting philosophical point."

"Are you feeling OK, Jeremy?"

"I mean it. Look, do you think we're fictional?"

Richard went to pinch himself, thought again, and prodded Jeremy experimentally on the arm instead. "No."

"Yes, but if this place is unreal, and we're here?"

"Still no."

"It sounds sort of plausible, if you don't think about it too much," said James. He shuddered slightly. "Maybe Richard's right and we should try and find the Stig. I'd like to get out of here."

"Oh, shut up, Slow. So, if we're not real, does anything we do count?"

"What do you mean, count?" said Richard, cautiously.

"Well, if, hypothetically, we did something that we wouldn't normally do, do you think it would sort of matter, if we weren't real at the time we did it?"

"I already said, I'm not stealing any cars!"

"No. That's not what I was thinking about."

When the Stig found them a few hours later, he noticed a surprising number of grass stains on their clothes, and the rather dreamy smiles they all wore. He didn't say anything, of course.  



End file.
